The Final Test

By the time this is posted it will be hours later, possibly days later, after writing this.  Let me just say that right now.  And let me also say that the following things I could perhaps be feeling only in the moment and not in actuality.  But right now, they are very raw and real to me. 

I am about to take my one and only final exam of the semester.  It is in my mythology class and I don’t think I could be more terrified.  Seriously.  I have never been more nervous about an exam in my entire undergrad career.  Why am I so freaked out you ask?  I have absolutely no idea.  I know that I haven’t done the best job on the quizzes in class (ok, I failed most of them) but I’ve done really, really, well on both of the papers we’ve had for the class, which count towards much more of our grade.  I also know that grades don’t define who you are, so should I even care?

But, unfortunately, for me, I do care.  I do let my grades define how I think of myself at least partially.  And if I don’t do well on this exam, I’ll hate myself for it.  In general with grades I never seem to do very well, and it’s not for a lack of trying on my part.  I just never seem to, I don’t know… get… things as quickly as others do.  And it makes classes really frustrating to the point where I’m so done with school.

But back to this final exam.  I’m not expecting to get a perfect grade on it.  But believe me, I’ll be jumping for joy if I manage to scrape up a C.  That’s how worried I am about how well I’m going to do.  Even a D I’d gladly accept.  At least that’s a passing grade.  I just can’t fail.  Failure is not an option.  Is this some form of extreme stress of anxiety that I am feeling?  I’ve never felt anything even remotely like this before – so this is all brand new to me.  I have no idea what is going on.  It’s almost as if I were graduating this semester- this is more of how I imagined I would feel walking into my last final exam ever, not just a regular old final exam. 

All I know are a few things.  Grades ultimately don’t matter.  Despite the pressures you put on yourself now, they will eventually fade away (and thank god for that), so being the perfect student is basically a waste of energy.  Not that you shouldn’t try in school, it’s just that perfection is overrated.  Trying hard is great, but not to the point where you physically and mentally hurt yourself.  Because believe me, it can happen. 

To everyone out the enduring the hardships of final exams – GOOD LUCK!!! Know that I am thinking of you as you go through what I just went through today.  You are not alone!